The Downgrade

One thing I will never understand, is why men downgrade when it comes to bitches. Like…if you’re going to fucks with some chick, shouldn’t she be hot as fuck? Or even you know, remotely cute? But nope, dudes love that plain jane basic looking bitch.

God, I would hate to be a mousy looking bitch. Your face is just there, you could wear pounds of the best makeup, but your true beauty can’t even come through because your nothing great to begin with. Not even a smokey eye and some contouring can help you. One thinks, but maybe she has a hot body instead? You know, Butterface? Nope. Its a shame really, no T or A or even MD (for you softies, thats Muscle Definition). Imagine being a Butterface or a Plain Jane basic looking bitch? Eek! You better pray you have the best personality ever or some shit.

Back to issue at hand…you sir, are fucking with a downgrade. Its not like she’s even arm candy or trophy wife type material…that’s a problem bro. Us chicks NEVER, EVER downgrade, we about that upgrade shit. Last man a little soft? You get yourself a hard shredded dude. Your last man just “cute”,you go get yourself a sexy as fuck dude with tattoos and a beard. Oh wait, thats just my forte.

But you catch my drift, downgrading is not a good look. She don’t even look good; maybe you are even better looking like than she is, which you would think makes you look good, but it does not. This is because as a whole you technically look bad because she looks bad, you should always fucks with a hott bitch. All in all, its the circle of life, and by life I mean dating. You should always strive to look your absolute best, you don’t want to make yourself look bad, now would you?

Maybe the downgrade for dudes comes down to straight up science. Anyone have a logical explanation for this oddity?

Disclaimer: if you’re offended at all by this post, thats because you are basic as fuck. Sorry not sorry. Don’t even with the “Looks dont matter, they fade”. Looks do matter in life, its a proven fact, so please step.

The Dick Pic

(Thats a dick pic in my Arctic Zero ice cream bowl)

For some reason, the male species seems to believe that women actually like receiving dick pics. Did they forget that the penis is an ugly looking thing? It is like staring at Jabba the Hut for too long! Penises should be felt and not seen. At least for extended amounts of time, your eyeballs might melt. I mean, its nice to see what you are actually working with, but other than that, its not like its pretty to look at.

Its not like these dick pics get seen for under 10 secs on snapchat. They get texted directly to your phone, engraved in your memory forever. Sure, we save it and show all of our friends! I like to disgust them with the shit I have to deal with..we analyze the penis, talk about the creepy bulging vein that looks like a 3D image, and decipher if its in fact a dildo or not. Recently, I received a video of one, and we had a drunken viewing party at a bar. It was the movie of the year, I give it 4 stars. They can just cum (see what I did there) to your phone at any hour too, not just the wee hours of the morning; they can get sent first thing (aka Morning Wood) or even an Afternoon Delight. Yesterday morning, I was taking photos of some of our members for my gyms Instagram during a warmup at 6am, and I literally got one while I was snapping away, that woke me up real quick!

Basically, a dick is a dick. Ain’t no girl looking at your dick and getting off, sorry. We are doing the complete opposite, and its absolutely hysterical. I mean sure, keep em cumming for the laughs and discussions! I mean the only time its perfectly okay, is if we actually ask for the dick pic, but 99.9% of the time, its cums unsolicited, so just keep Willy unfree.

The Friendzone Problem

Ever have a friend that you always had a crush on, yet this person has no fucking clue? You have been in love with them since the day you met. They also give you these mixed signals that you take as dead giveaways that they feel the same way, but in reality you are still chillin in the friendzone.

Maybe they had a significant other at the time, maybe you did too. You’ve both been single at the same time as well, but no dice. You understand that once you cross over into the “Friends with Benefits Zone”, shit will get really weird once it dies out. You might not even be friends any longer. Part of you almost would rather take the risk, because maybe you really want to make out with this person, or maybe this could blossom into the most fantastic relationship. Either way, how do you get OUT of the friendzone?

I know for guys its tough, some guys live and breathe in the friendzone. But for a girl? Brutal. You’d think it would be easy, but it ain’t…believe me. I’ve been in love with one of my guy friends since I was in college. Absolute Dreamboat. Looks, personality, and all that jazz. We’ve been under the influence, straight wasteypants even, and nothing has ever happened between us. Not to toot my own horn, but I know I’ve got it going on…he obviously thinks I’m attractive, but maybe my exotic look isn’t his cup of tea. How do I make him change his preference from orange pekoe to green tea?!

Maybe it will never happen, maybe it will end up like “My Best Friends Wedding” or maybe they do feel the same way, but were scared that you didn’t like them more than a friend. Or maybe you take the dive and tell this person and get turned down. For what??? And then your friendships mad weird and then the regrets. Agh. How can you be a hot chick in the friend zone?! Blasphemy.

Advice is welcomed 🙂

The Boot Incident

I know it seems that I hate dating, and 99% of the time I poke fun of these douchelords of the internet dating world; but once in a while I actually meet decent guys and go on actual dates.

Two nights ago I went on a second date with this really cute guy. He has his shit together, makes good money, he lifts, and also happens to be a fitness competitor…so yeah, smokeshow. He has a very dry sense of humor like me, and is also extremely sarcastic…sometimes I can’t really tell if he’s actually serious. Another thing is that he has a type A personality..which didn’t seem to be a dealbreaker for me because of all the other great qualities. But anyway, we had a really great evening..lots of laughs, great food and drink. After our night on the town, we went back to his place, watched a movie, made out a little bit. (Okay, alot..he was an excellent kisser) It was getting super late, all of a sudden it was the wee hours of the morning, and I had to workout at 8am, he offered me to stay, he would sleep on the couch; I pleasantly declined.

I’m going to backtrack a little…I wear Doc Marten boots quite a bit, they are like walking on cloud 9, and they are fucking badass. Before I left my house earlier that evening, I was lacing up my boots, and I questioned myself on whether or not to double tie them, or single tie…I decided to single tie, I like the clean look of single tie, especially because these were my fancy lux Docs, and I was wearing them with an LBD. (Little Black Dress) for those of you who don’t know that term.

Fast forward to me leaving his place–he’s walking me out, I realize that not one, but both of my shoelaces are untied. So I say, “Gotta tie my shoes, don’t look!” I say this because yes, I am 27 years old and tie my shoes with bunny ears, its the only way I was taught, so thats the only way I know how to tie my laces up. He looks at me lacing those puppies up and says, “No…you don’t still tie your shoes with bunny ears. This isn’t going to work”‘. I laugh, but is he serious? One would think of course not, that would’ve been ridiculous, and he is always joking around too. But then, low and behold, he walks me to my car and we say our goodbyes, no good night kiss. After literally hours of making out. But then, no text Saturday and no text today. Could it be true? That this extremely goodlooking man is so anal and tapped that he cannot date a girl who ties her shoes with bunny ears? Ladies and gentlemen, I think so. I feel as though I am one of George Costanza’s beauties with the tiniest flaw, in which he would never let go of; and would be the ultimate reason of our break-up.

I know there is a hunky man out there for me will can appreciate a good bunny ear tie!

Dial-a-wing

We’ve all been there, going out to seek out romance and need a wingwoman/wingman to accompany you. I have an amazing wingwoman, she is always down for an adventure, and thats how we like it. I myself am a fantastic wingwoman in that I am literally down for just about anything at any given time, can keep his friends busy by chatter, and I am also one to break the ice for my shy friend. I break it and bounce. But this isn’t about me (weird, I know.)

This about those moments when your wingwoman or wingman cannot make it. You try runner ups in that category, but no dice. You’re fucked. You could go alone, and you have in the past; but you’d rather not. You need that crutch–plus you don’t want to look like that sloppy, fat dude with a stained wifebeater on, with his hairy bellybutton hanging out, throwing back natty ices at the bar all by himself. As that is what you envision as yourself if you go alone.

What the fuck do you do now? You should be able to Dial-a-wing. No, not chicken wings you asshat, a wingperson for those times your wingman or wingwoman actually have plans, or they are even on an actual date. This business would be booming, I know it. It would be like you calling a cab or uber, but better! I mean I guess there would have to be a consent form stating that they cannot fuck your bae and such because being a wingwoman or wingman there is a code there.

Would you dial-a-wing?

Dealbreakers

We all have them, and everyone has their needs and wants in a mate. Then there’s this.

1. Bad tattoos. Tattoos are hot as hell, I love them on a dude. But the second I see a god awful tattoo or better yet, a tribal tattoo…bye.

2. Bad taste in music. Sure, everyones different and you can’t have the exact taste in music, but its nice to have similar interests. If you listen to Rebecca black, Nickelback, Simple Plan, or ICP its going nowhere guy.

3. It looks like you skip leg day. I am not the fittest betch ever, but my calves be cray. I cannot have bigger legs than you. I’m not into stilts bro. Shit–that being said, I cannot have bigger biceps and triceps than you either.

4. You hate dogs. But you love cats? Nope. I’m a huge dog lover, got the best pup around. I hate cats too, and they hate me back.

5. You have bad teeth. If you smile at me and you have one tooth left, I can’t. Believe it or not this gorgeous smile of mine was once a hot mess. Shorty had vampire fangs, an extra row of teeth on the bottom, and it was a clusterfuck…I had to get 11 teeth taken out. You need a nice smile to make me smile. Fix that shit.

6. You drive a mini van or a chick car. I love men who drive trucks. But I can also hang with SUVs, sedans and jeeps. Over the summer I went on a date with a man who drove a mini cooper, I had to end it.

7. You think my name is Snapchat, and not Caroline. Literally, for some reason guys like to send me selfies. These aren’t even just dick pics–we’ve got fuckin mirror selfies. I’ve asked my friends if they get selfies, nope. I’m going to assume it’s because my crossfit gym labeled me as the “resident selfie queen”

8. Your eyebrows are better maintained than mine. Listen, I understand you gotta get a little tweeze or wax or what have you not, because nobody likes a unibrow. But if it looks like you got JLO brows circa 2002, nope. Also, manscaping is key 👌👌

9. You wear crocs. My ex had crocs. That was my first problem.

10. You drink your coffee “extra, extra”. You’re basic and filthy. No wonder why you have one tooth.

10 Signs you drank the Crossfit kool-aid

1. All you talk about is crossfit, because thats what you do in your spare time everyday between your family, work, and social life.

2. You have the gnarliest calluses on your hands. And aren’t afraid to show em.

3. You know what gains are, and you strive for them. You’re bout that life.

4. You understand its not just a workout, but its a lifestyle choice that you committed to that makes you the healthiest and strongest version of yourself. Everyday you get stronger.

5. You are always hungry, and you are always eating. Clean, of course.

6. All of your clothing is workout gear or work clothes. But mostly workout gear.

7. You aren’t a fan of washing dishes, but you 100% will wash your shaker bottles first.

8. You love to be in the Box, know how to clean, and have a mean snatch.

9. You have bruises on your thighs and clavicle, complete with box jump scars on your shins.

10. You ❤ your fitfam 🙂

Tinderizing

Tin-der-iz-ing
verb
Swiping left or right on your smartphone, simply by indicating “yes” or “nope” if you are attracted to their selfie.

It’s going down, I’m yelling “Tinder!” Yeah, I’m sure you’ve heard that at least once in your life, and if you haven’t then most likely you are in a serious relationship and don’t understand the present dating world. Tinder is an interesting app, you are judging others looks and/or bios and if you are into it, you swipe right; if not–to the left, to the left. If they swipe right to your profile, the two of you can then message eachother and the rest is history.

Typical tinder-openers aka ‘you’re fucking basic, guy’ or ‘you’re a fucking creeper, and need to take it down a notch or 13’
*these are just a couple of examples of my tindz

Every man in life hates this one particular conversation…you know, the one where the two of you have been seeing eachother, yet not exclusively and she’s all, “so…what are we?” Yeah. That one. On tinder, guys do that exact fucking thing. “What brings you to tinder? What are you looking for?” Shutup. I don’t know what I’m looking for. Clearly you’re looking to either bang or find a wife, but isn’t the point of dating to find out what it is that you want? I mean if you’re all about hitting it and quitting it, you’re game because apparently there are tinderprositututes all over that shit. If you know me well, you know that I’m a wise ass and love to fuck with people, its a lot of fun, especially when they play along.

Have you had any good or bad tinder experiences?

The Absolute Fucking Worst

1. Wearing an ankle sock that has lost its elasticity and keeps falling off your motherfuckin ankle. You tell yourself, “fuck you sock, I’m tossing you in the trash when I get home.” Yet you miss the trash and put it in your hamper. To be washed again. And worn again.

2. Farting in public in an empty area, where literally no soul is. Yet once you let one rip, suddenly someone appears and that fart is the stinkiest stench ever and its a lingering one. And that someone knows its yours. FAIL.

3. When driving a vehicle and you are in a rush–you hit every single red light. The person driving in front of you is either old as f, lost, or the slowest driver ever. Not to mention there probs a detour as well en route. Or when you are not in a rush to make every green light and you need to grab something that fell on the floor, you need to read a text, fix your makeup, etc. and you are waiting to take that 30 seconds to do whatever that task is at the next red light, and suddenly all the fucking lights are green and you can’t do any of that shit. #rude. Maybe its just me, but it happens all the fucking time.

4. When you’re in a great or decent mood and someone mistakes your resting bitch face for a bad attitude.. or if you don’t seem talkative one day and others assume somethings wrong/you are tired/have your period and pmsing. Nope, nothings wrong..just not smiling like a fuckin creeper and now I’m in a bad mood because you assumed I already was, thanks.  Do people walk around smiling 24/7? No, so stop asking me if I’m mad. This resting bitch face is a full blown epidemic, but I’ve had it my whole life. Since birth, I’ve gotten the, “oh I thought you were mean/were a bitch until I got to know you, you’re actually funny/cool”. *sidenote: had a good buzz on the other night. walked into a bar, and a guy said I looked like I needed a hug, and asked for one. Nope.

5. When people hate on your healthy lifestyle, yet literally complain to you about how they can’t lose weight and they are jealous about how great you look/how hot your bod is. Hey, how about this…join the bandwagon my friend and work for it, and stop complaining about my social media posts. Hater. Everyone posts the same shit all of the time, not just crossfitters. From photos of their children, meals, or posts of their daily schedule or marilyn monroe quotes attached to their god awful selfies, we are all annoying, and we all stalk eachother..thats the whole fucking point of social media. So get over it or unfriend me. You won’t though.

Mindf*cking without a Condom

Haven’t gotten any in a while, but feel as though your brain has been getting quite a bit of action? You’ve most likely been mindfucked. You couldn’t even practice safe mindfucking, you didn’t see it coming, you didn’t know where to locate a mindcondom (wait, a fedora counts, because when you wear this item, nobody is fucking you anywhere) and you had no idea there was such thing as premature conversation!

You are reading this and probably like what the hell?! Sorry I’m just coming down from getting my mind blown. Anyways, this feeling is one that doesn’t last very long (ha..typical) and just feels a bit shitty and stuff. You can get mindfucked from just about anyone these days…friends, coworkers, lovers, almost doesn’t count lovers, and so on. What a mindfucker in reality does leads you into believing something grand will happen in your favor. Example: promotion, raise, relationship, genuine friendship, engagement ring, and so forth.

I’ve been mindfucked by all those listed above, people just don’t care about anyone but themselves. But maybe thats part of the issue. For those that know me, know that I have a huuuuuge heart and I have that motherly instinct to put others before me, and constantly trying to see the good in people. I typically try not to never let my guard down in a sense, at least not initially. What happens when I do? I have no protection for this beautiful mind, and I get mindfucked.

Moral of the story is, do you. If someone can’t comprehend how fucking awesome of a person you are, then that is their loss.