My 12 days of Christmas

Fuck partridges in a pear tree, pears have too much sugar id rather eat a slice of ice cream cake. Here is my 12 days of Christmas wishes that I want my true love to give to me. Now most of these are unrealistic but thats okay, its MY list anyhow.

1. For Facebook to get rid of the “Live” application, I’m not watching your video, and I hate that lit up red notification, I almost hate it as much as the voicemail notification on my phone. Also, nobody cares.

2.  Oreos to come out with a zero fat, zero carb, negative calorie, high protein oreo that actually tastes like double stuf.

3. That doggie monitor where you can call and text your dog and he can do the same

4. Chipotle to come out with a rewards card. 

5. Someone to pay my gym membership for the year 

6. For me to find a dog friendly apartment for Norman and myself thats not a billion dollars per month

7. Matching sweaters for Norman and myself, preferably a hoodie thats super soft on the inside

8. Billy joel Concert tickets 

9. Ipod nano because my Giant Iphone 6 plus is too huge and heavy to run with 

10. Diamond stud earrings 

11. An automatic car starter because im a lil bitch when it comes to being cold and I like my buns warm.

12. A fold up bicycle

You know you’re in a relationship when


What do you want to eat?

This question will often be asked, yet will always remain unanswered. He will ask you what you want to eat, and you as a Girlfriend will never know. But one thing you know for sure is that the options he does throw at you, you are just simply not in the mood for. It makes sense right? Every. damn. time. 


You share your favorite hobbies

You will do things you would never do as a single person. Example: he watches football every Sunday. So do you, but in reality its just playing on the TV, and have no idea whats going on. You enjoy his company, the snuggles, the Sunday Funday cheat meals and the fact that you are sharing something that he loves. The Girlfriend species loves doing fall and wintery shit (example: apple picking, pumpkin picking, baking apple and pumpkin flavored bullshit, decorating Christmas trees and building gingerbread houses) yet you damn well know the Boyfriend species doesn’t live for that shit. Yet he will be there for every step of the way, every instagram post, and pumpkin spice latte–because thats what you love and thats just what boyfriends do.


Mrs. Steal Your Clothes

Your boyfriend will forever be cold. He once had a favorite hoodie, but that said hoodie is now yours and he will never get it back. You somehow were cold once (shocking) and he offered you a sweatshirt early into the relationship not knowing your real occupation was a “Boyfriend Wardrobe Bandit” and not the Administrative Assistant as he was led to believe. The Boyfriend species is often cold this time of year, and realizes that you now have a vast collection of his wardrobe. He often regrets letting you borrow his clothing, but in reality he is only still dating your ass during “Cuffing Season” aka “Steal His Hoodie Season” in hopes that he will get that favorite hoodie back. 


Burrito 

The Boyfriend is cold this time of the year as well because you not only steal his hoodie but you also steal all of the blankets and wrap yourself up into a burrito. He has his side of the bed, but somehow his side is way more comfortable. He gets up to take a leak? You may be mid slumber but as a Girlfriend species you know the spot is free and you roll that Chipotle burrito onto his side–leaving a few inches for him to slide back in. He won’t wake you up though, he doesn’t want to deal with the wrath of you and he still wants that hoodie back. He cant be making the wrong moves! 

Why betches fuckin LOVE fall

Pumpkin spice lattes, Northface Denali jacket, black leggings, Ugg boots and a posted photo of you picking apples using snap chats pretty filter? You have entered fall my dear.

 I’m not going to lie, I totally drank a Starbucks PSL with almond milk this week, it was incredible. I also went apple picking last weekend. I picked green apples and I was sweaty because it was 80 degrees–I’m insane. Why do we love fall so much?

1. Fuckin foliage. Its gorgeous to see all the colors of fall, all the plants are dying and its stunning. New England foliage is the shit.


2. Its hoodie weather. You cannot beat hoodie weather. Comfy as hell, and you know your boyfriend has all the best ones. He hates fall because he is cold because you stole all of his sweatshirts and sweatpants.


3. Hairy season! Every dude grows a beard and us girls stop shaving our stems. Gotta keep warm, and you wont be wearing your high rise denim shorts that give you mom butt for at least another 8-9 months. Dudes with beards are sexy as hell, a guy can go from a 2 to a 6 if beard game strong. 


4. Pumpkin spice everything. Like literally, if its pumpkin spice Im going for it. I eat a lot of grilled chicken and it gets kind of boring–I once used pumpkin spice on my chicken and believe it or not, it was amazing. Dont knock it til you try it!


5. Halloween and Thanksgiving—my two favorite holidays are during fall. I love candy and dressing up as someone else, and I also enjoy eating massive amounts of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potato pie until I’m bursting at the seams. Last Thanksgiving I ate so much that I made myself sick. Im a fucking sicko, and I don’t hate it. 

Do you love fall as much as myself? What do you love most? The only thing I hate about it, is that it seems so short. Winter (yup I said it again) lasts for-evvvvvver. 😖

F*ckboy Symptoms

  
Ahh the single life. Its a love hate thing, but mostly hate. Don’t even go there with the, “but you’re so pretty, how are you single?” Or the “don’t obsess over it, it will happen” I’m not obsessed you dickhole, I’m just not trying to be single forever (its been a year and a half so relax killa) and I don’t want to grow up to be a cat lady; I’m allergic.

Anyways, dating is fun in that you can meet new people, get free drinks and grilled chicken; but then when you actually meet someone you like and then all of a sudden he has fuckboy symptoms out of nowhere?! The absolute worst. Its a worse situation than a closet ho ho.  

  (These kind of ho ho’s are the best and they don’t leave you itchy)

1. He is already talking about getting it in already. Dude, calm down. Why are you talking about having sex? We went on like 1-2 dates jesus christ, I am not a ho ho. I even said I wasn’t, and you were all like “i know you’re not, I’m not looking for that”, but nonetheless you still send the dreaded Dick Pic. (<~ also a good blog read by yours truly) I don’t send nudes either, this body is wayyy too presh to be on the internets.

2. He says exactly what you want to hear. From the get, he says he isn’t into just hooking up and looking for something serious and he seems to have ambition and drive and then suddenly you realize he ain’t about that life and he doesn’t like labels nor does he have any motivation whatsoever. Thats fake as fuck. Someone told me not to be me when it comes to dating, and that is something I’m not willing to do because I don’t want to be played either.

3. He asks if you have Snapchat. Nuff said here.

4. Man ho ho who also happens to be bad in bad. Makes sense right? This is why he is single ladies. He also believes the hand to penis ratio. But we all know that at the end of the day, size doesn’t matter. Also expects you to give him a blowjob after your first date. 

5. Wears axe body spray.
Fuckboys can be hidden in any man, big or small. Fat or fit. Young or old. Auto mechanic to karate kid to the local plumber. Watch yoself. 

  
 

The 10 People you Hate from the Internets

10. The over-sharer

  
This person tops the cake for TMI. You know exactly what their work schedule is, if they are in fact together with one their baby daddy this week, what they had for lunch, and the latest pair of air force ones they’ve purchased. Ain’t nobody care, bro. Consider yourself de-friended. 

9. The quotefucker

  
Yep, I made that shit up. This person uses facebook, instagram, and twitter for quotes about love, loss, and mostly Marilyn Monroe quotes. Don’t forget lyrics too. How original. They can be in text form, attached to one’s fugly ass selfie, or in a god damn image of a sunset. 

8. The spam idiot

  
This person usually gets their account hacked into, because, well they are an asshat. They usually accidentally click on porn, or common links that read “holy smokes! You’re not going to believe what this girl did after she ate cookies and took her cat for a walk” or “watch this guy get beat up by a naked midget” and “target is giving away $500 giftcards, just click here” 

7. The foodie

  
The last thing I want to view when I log into instagram or facebook is your confetti cake french toast stick pepperoni embellished baklava. I can’t even. Like yeah, that shit looks yummy as fuck but I don’t have a waterproof phone case, and now there is drool all over my fucking iphone.

6. The couple that needs to get a room

  
Enough already, we know you’re in love. I dont need to see the god damn makeout sesh plastered all over the place, the fucking roses he got you, or the breakfast he made you in bed. Im not bitter or anything.

5. The gamer

  
Honestly, get off my dick with your farmville requests, angry bird, words with friends, bejeweled blitz, bullshit. I am gonna deny til the day I die.

4. That creepy guy

  
He likes all of your photos, leaves half creepy comments, private messages you, pokes you (hopefully not in real life) or somehow found you without any mutual friends in common.

3. That desperate as fuck single lady

  
Girl, you look thirsty as fuck. No wonder why you’re still single. Complaining all day long about the single life, how she cant get a date, and how she’s turning x age and will die if she doesn’t get a boyfriend within minutes. Calm down ho.

2. The troll

  
Nope, not the so ugly its cute plastic dolls with rhinestone bellybuttons and cotton candy hair from the 90s..I’m talking about those internet bullies who sit behind their computers or smartphone and rip people to shreds, but wouldn’t stand a chance in real life, these people are just straight up pussies.

1. Me

  
Yup, I said it. I’m sure you do hate me, I would too. I post way too many selfies, crossfit everyday, and talk about farts. Oh and im goodlooking? Im more than a triple threat, i don’t blame you. Look how offended you just got! Haha I’m only half kidding anyways. 

It’s not me, it’s YOU.

  
Yo, I know everyone has had someone they cared about let them down easy with the ever so typical “its not you, its me.” Its a more pleasant way of saying hell fucking no, bye felicia. We hate the line itself when used on us, but we also have used it upon others as well. Shit, I used it on my ex-boyfriend whom I had a house with and dated for 7 years. Truth be told, it was true…but it wasn’t just me; it was him and several factors which made me leave.

 Lets not stop there, don’t forget the lines following the “its not you, its me” spiel. Because it only makes sense that after you put that dagger in, you must take it out! I mean you can’t just leave your weapon straight chillin in someone’s heart, you need to get it back, because most likely you’ve got to reenact this scene one time or another. This one is my favorite, I used this and its been used on me; “the timing is just not right, maybe in the future it could work out perfectly. If the stars align and we’re both still single, it will be fate” I used this on my ex as well, cmon this simply isn’t true. If I wanted to make it work, I could’ve just stayed. There is no right timing, fuck I’ve been with you for almost a decade, the relationship with the particular person was not what I wanted for the rest of my life. 

As much as we hate these cliche lines that those use on us, we use them ourselves. Its hella annoying because at the end of the day you just want an honest answer, and not the run around. Is there a future? No.  Do you want to be with me? No. Do you want to take this relationship slow and build one? No. Because they do want a relationship, its just not with you. And no worries, the next person they date (approx 10 days to 3 months after the “its not you, its me” conversation) will be a downgrade. 

Should we really be more honest and say how we truly feel? Maybe. But maybe its also awkward as fuck to break someone’s heart, its not a good feeling. You somehow end up using these lines on people to make it easier on you, because this person knows the real deal. They know the meaning behind it, and won’t hold onto something that will never happen. Right?

My First Time

So this may seem absolutely ridiculous and it also may look like I have a drinking problem, which I definitely don’t…but last night was the first time that I have ever celebrated a friends birthday, or even just attended a houseparty in general, sober. I’ve gone to plenty of parties and bars in my lifetime where I had just the occasional 1-2 drinks before, and this time was an interesting experience…or experiment rather. 

Lets backtrack a tiny bit…I had my first alcoholic beverage at a young age, and had gotten a ton of my partying done well before people my own age. I then got into a serious relationship with someone older than me who didn’t drink. Needless to say, my twenties were very tame. Here I am, 27 and halfass catching up all those fun times I had missed out on. I am not stating you need alcohol to have fun either, if you know me well, you know I love doing fun activities! I don’t drink large amounts of alcohol either or every day or get drunk every time, but I do drink socially. The reason why I was sober last night was because I am just taking a bit of a breather from alcohol, just for a few weeks or a month. I am on a lean as fuck and high protein diet right now, so alcohol isn’t doing me any favors. 

Back to last night, I can’t tell you how many people (most of them I hadn’t even met before) ask me if I wanted a shot, or a drink, why I wasn’t, or just have “one”. I pleasantly declined, explaining that I wasn’t drinking tonight, and I didn’t even give into peer pressure anyways. Why does it matter? I dont even like fireball whiskey anyways, it is made of pure sugar and regret.

Anyways, I still had a fantastic evening, my friends are absolutely hysterical, and even if 99.9% of everyone around me was turnt the fuck up and going ham. I am a social person anyways, so its not like I need alcohol to have a fun experience or converse with others. People are pure entertainment when they are piss drunk, and its not like it was life altering experience or anything. I’m not going sober, just taking some party time off to get my body looking sexy as hell, is all. Summer is around the corner and in the meantime, I will continue to have a good ole time, and I may eat all of your vegatables and meat in your home whilst taking snapchats of your drunky selves and taking my typical selfies. Also, I bet you thought this post was about losing my virginity, didn’t you? Gotcha.